Where’s the inspiration? I used to go out and shoot photos and write stories and poems. Now I don’t have any of that. I don’t know if I’m desensitizing myself the more I get into college or what. I don’t know if some of the changes that have happened to me since college are smothering my softer side or not.

I’m in a rut. I go through the week as I did the week before and the week before that. I go to classes and then waste the rest of my day. I have no desire to do anything else. Every now and then a good idea for a poem will pop up, but then promptly fade away. My lack of focus is startling. Writing this is way too much work.

I feel in constant conflict. I only see things in black in white it seems. Either my friends think I’m the best thing ever or they hate me. I have a hard time reading the gray areas.

I feel like everyone is mad at me or out to get me for no reason. It scares me, but at the same time I almost feel as I deserve it.

I have such extreme ups and downs. It only takes a certain look from a friend or a comment and the amazing day I’ve been having has just evaporated into thin air.

My self esteem has left me completely.

My unique fun self is disappearing in a wash of conformity. I conform to make more friends, only to find that people don’t like the conformed me, yet I am having a hard time going back, I don’t know if I even can go back.

The things that make me who I am are slowly eroding away and it’s only so long before I’m just another face in the crowd.

My story will be birth, school, career, family, death

Notice there isn’t any life in that story which is the tragedy of it all

I want to live life, I want to enjoy life, but something is there holding me back…

Weak

My camera bag lies under the bed
From when I was going to be an artist
And known by people everywhere

My bible sits on my desk
A remnant from when I was going to find God
But the path is long abandoned and dust gathers

I look around and see myself surrounded
Surrounded by the things I should have been

The weight machine looms in the corner
Back when I wanted to be strong
Now it just stands as if to mock me

I should have been strong
In body and soul

I should have reached for all I could
To show the world what I can do

But I am weak
I am tired
I am alone

My thoughts on religion: Parts I and II

Some notes I wrote a while back and had up on facebook...

Part I:

Well, when I really want to go to sleep early a big subject always gets stuck in my head. A favorite topic of my brain is religion. Here's how I see it.

God is the father and we are the kid. Now, say the father goes out and builds the kid this amazing tree house. As far as I see it he wants the kid to go out and enjoy it while it's there. Sure he'd like the kid to stop by and say how nice it is but he doesn't want the kid at his feet the whole time talking about how great it is. I see God the same way. Sure he likes prayer, but I don't see him requiring large amounts of it as some people think is necessary. He wants us to go out and enjoy what he has created us. Because someday we as the children will have to go back into father's house and the old tree house will be taken down. Prayers great, but don't spend your whole life in a church. I also don't understand some of the ceremonies. I know that many people are just used to them, you know, as a tradition. But I'd think God would like us to worship him in our own way, not just a certain way because what a pope decided that should be the way It's like thanking your dad with a Hallmark card, sure he'll like it, but I bet he'd like a personalized card better. I also don't get the pope (I'm not Catholic obviously, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, just my views) or the whole asking a priest for forgiveness. Isn't that like ruining your father's favorite chair and then asking your brother for you father's forgivness? Anyway, I just had to get all of this out of my head, feel free to agree or disagree. Like I said, I'm not trying to force my views on people, it's just my own interpretation.



Part II:

So I was up late tonight (or this morning, whichever you please to call it) and I was reading my Bible, half for class and half for the fun of it. I saw in the introduction to the New Testament that 400 years had passed since the events in the Old Testament. Now 400 years is a pretty long time and it got me to thinking, it has been around 2000 years since the NT events happened, and I think I have an explaination for this.

If you read my last note you know that I love using the father/children comparison when talking about God and us human beings. Now in the OT you have lots of interaction with God and people, I view it as this, the human race is still very young, very much in need of guidance. At this point in history we needed our Father's help more than ever, to get us started off on the right foot. Now we started growing up a little and God gave us our space, knowing that there are things we must do and learn on our own, just as a father knows when raising his children.

About 400 years pass and God see's that the human race is entering a little bit of a teenage stage, we feel as though we should be on our own, but we're not quite sure yet. Jesus is born and the human race recieves guidance once again from the Father, a kind of final guidance before humanity as a group must enter into it's adult life.

I believe that now the human race is in what I would call it's "Early Adulthood" stage of life. We believe that we are independant and able to do anything on our own. We feel invincible yet a little uncertain. This is why at this point in history there are more people turning away from religion than before. Just as children act like they don't need their parents anymore the human race is acting this way about God. Humans feel as though they surely have learned things on their own and can explain everything without the help of the Father (just take a look at the church of Scientology)

Humans use up natural resources, pollute the air, and ignore the consequences; just as younger adults party, drive fast, and also ignore the consequences. I'm not saying there is anything essentially wrong with this, as it's a natural process of things.

Someday, I don't know how many hundreds of years down the road, the human race will have matured into a sort of middle age. We will realize what love we have from our Father and embrace him once again. As children become parents will the human race realize that they must take responsibility over it's closest child, the planet Earth.

I will always strongly hold that Father/Child connection closely to my heart. To view the human race as one whole, as a person progressing down the road of life, explains a lot of things to me. Now I'm not saying that I'm 100% correct with all of this, this isn't my answer to everything. I am not standing on a mountaintop proclaiming that I know the plans of God. I just ponder on these issues and try to explain them to myself, and maybe even others, in the most simple way possible and I feel that by thinking and soul searching, that is the best way to get close to our Father.

The begining of my new adventure...

It is an attention grabbing title to be sure but beware the weak of heart. This story involves a tale of a young man without money and little work to support himself.

Naturally I am talking about myself. For the summer I decided to stay up in Cedar Falls and take a few summer courses, make sure I graduate on time. That and the fact that rent for the house started this summer and I thought it prudent to live in a place that I was paying for.

Move in day was luckily a day early, the Friday after school got out. Naturally it was a fairly long and busy day but it was also fun as well. It was great to finally see the house that me and my housemates had talked about take shape as we moved our stuff in.

Two of the housemates hung around for another week, to get things settled in and just chill. Unfortunately I had to start class right away, Ethics in Communication, which is actually turning out to be a good class. Good here means that I'm getting all A's, not exactly sure if I'm learning much though.

I woke up early to go pay rent this morning for the month of June. While I was sitting there drinking my coffee I realized that I have not slept in past 9am since the end of school. So I went to the bank and payed for our house next month, which means that my bank account that looked full of money is now pretty much empty.

I have been applying everywhere, I even sunk down to applying for Wal Mart yesterday. I have a little under 20 hours every week at the library but at minimum wage it is hard to save up anything from that. There is a potential job at a museum but the person hiring keeps saying she has to get clearance to hire me and that keeps getting pushed back.

I am not sure about my whole summer but I do know I will be up here for at least 4 more weeks. I will be taking a course in June, European history Since WWI, so I will try to hold out til that is over. Unfortunately there are 4 books for a 4 week course so I'm bracing for lots of reading.

Supplies are low, money is gone, and communication with the world outside of CF is limited. Yet for some reason I find myself enjoying it for the most part.

Just some assignment...or is it?

The place I chose is a small little park near my family’s land back home in Jasper County, Iowa. I went here instead of the woods at home for some different surroundings, surroundings that I didn’t have any memory of so that my records could be more nature oriented and less memory oriented.

I used to do things like this when I was younger, just wander out into nature and sit and bask in it and just think. My later years in high school and college changed that as I got caught up in the mundane everyday worries of adults. I had forgotten how refreshing this can be, how nature can cleanse the soul.

Sitting in a wooded area a little ways off the trail I slowly made my way through all the steps of the “homework”. I say homework in that way because a professor asking you to go and sit and enjoy nature isn’t exactly something I would consider work; it’s the equivalent of having a massage or a trip to a pool assigned.

I sat on a rotting log and just soaked it all in. I always found a sense of wonder, a sense of the supernatural in nature, when I was younger and now it all came flowing back. I heard birds chirping and realized that I hadn’t noticed that before. I had complained all winter about the lack of life around and how silent everything was, yet when nature did come back to life for the spring, I failed to appreciate it.

I grew up in a family that you wouldn’t exactly call religious. I mean, sure, we went through the motions of celebration on Christian holidays and we would occasionally attend church when I was younger but that never really counted for anything. Here in the woods is where I developed my sense that there is a God and God created a beautiful world for us; a magical world if we would just take the time to look around. Sitting in the park I thought about how far off base many people are who claim to be religious and yet fail to appreciate God’s work.

I got a lot of things out of this, it’s true. We are the caretakers of this world we have and we are failing miserably. Currently we are the species that has the most negative impact on the world; way more negative impact that flatulence in cattle destroying the ozone. Yet at the same time we have the greatest potential to have a positive impact. I want to have a positive impact with my life and I realize sacrifices are going to have to be made. I can’t continue living the wasteful way I have been. The price is one that I’m willing to pay though. If me giving up some of the luxuries of life helps; even as small of a part that I play, keep the environment clean and pure, then it is worth it. If animals and plants can be saved by making a change, then it is worth it. If future generations can sit in the woods and feel the same sense of awe that I do, then it is worth it.

This assignment, one for a class that I had and did not want to take, has reawakened me to some of that wonder I felt about nature when I was younger. I hope to never again let myself forget that wonder.

The upsetation of future me

I just sat at work doing nothing for 3 hours. Uh oh...future me is not going to be happy with current me and my behavior...

and past me should just stay out of it...

Cheetoes

Church

Lately I've been going to Prairie Lakes Church every time I'm in Cedar Falls on a Sunday. I really like the place even though it's a complete opposite from what I'm used to. I'm used to the quaintness of Ashton Chapel; this church has two morning services with about 500 people for each service. I started going because it is more informal and nobody notices me sitting by myself in a group that large. I find that when I go it cleans my soul out. I come in just proud of myself for waking up in time for it and my heart is still tainted by the long week I had gotten through. I try not to judge but in the begining with the people on stage singing I judge. I think they are trying to show off and show that they have more faith then the rest of us. When Pastor John gets up there though and starts speaking I open up my heart and my darker side gets some much needed light shed on it. It used to be a job to go to church in the morning and something I did more out of guilt than wanting to. Right now church is just something I need to cleanse me spiritually before I encounter another long week.

This passage describes me perfectly lately. I must do something to change the ending. I will not just resign to let it eat away at me. I must change direction while I still can.

"Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight on him, and resigning himself to let it eat him away."
-Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities"

Tired

I'm just so tired lately. It doesn't stem from being physically active or even staying up late, because neither of those have occured, I'm just tired of life, which I know is a terrible thing to say. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate life as a gift. I went to bed at 8pm last night and work up at 7:45 this morning. I almost slept 12 hours. Do I have the time to do that? No. But monday was done with me long before I was done with it and I decided I wanted no more part of that day. Yet today here I am struggling to stay awake, I even napped. I just need some form of rejuvination soon.

A weekend adventure (true story)

Just some real life experience kipp and i encountered on "the hill"

Rocks, Pebbles, Sand, and Beer

I walked into my required "Capstone" class today not wanting to be there. At UNI you have to take one random class on a random subject your Junior or Senior year. I decided to go for what everyone says is the easiest, Environment, Technology, and Society. Of course I didn't know what the subject was even going to be. I walked to the part of campus I've never been in before and went into the Industrial Tech Center, sitting down in a classroom that had all sorts of technical stuff on the walls that I had no idea what they were about. (Dean, you would know I'm sure)

The prof walked in and looked like what I would have pictured a technical prof to look like, a sturdy older man with white hair. But what he talked about the next 2 hours threw me off guard.

He started right off the bat by talking about how this class had been forced on him 15 years ago and how he thought the school objectives for it were poorly done. He then told us of his history of giving almost everyone A's, how he got in trouble with the admin. for it but then they let it slide since they needed profs for the course no one wanted to teach. He talked about how we are all part of one big picture and how we all effect one another. Rather than some boring science class he views it as a philosophy class where we share how Environment, Tech, and Society all interact together, mixing in some spiritual elements as well.

Then he proceeded to pull out a small plastic bucket the size of a coffee can and fill it to the brim with large rocks.

"Is this bucket full" he asked us as we looked on confused.

Well yeah, it was full, we said, wondering how this was relevent

He then went on to pour in smaller pebbles, filling in the spaces between the rocks...

"Full?" he asked, we said yeah but knew this had to be going somewhere

Soon sand was poured and packed in and to top it off he finished off by pulling out a beer and pouring it in, sipping the rements that wouldn't fit.

Then he started.

"The rocks represent those things in life that are very important to you, family and friends. The pebbles are things that are important but only slightly such as school, work, bills. When you get down the the sand those are the things in life that are important momentarily but fleeting. You have to focus on the big picture first, family and friends, if you put the numerous little things first, if you fill your bucket with sand, there is no room for the most important things in life. In this class I want to look at the big rocks, the important things to your lives"

Well what's the beer for?

"To remind ourselves that there is always room and time to sit back and have a beer"

The class laughed and applauded.

Start of a new year...

I'm not very good at this blogging thing, in case none of you have noticed...

The girl I met, well we've been dating more or less since I posted that last blog, she's great...but I don't love her...I find myself thinking of all the ridiculous things of relationships, how rarely they last, and I'm just not buying into it right now...I date to meet that one girl that I want to be with forever, but I think right now I'm dating just to prove to myself that I can again after the last one...

I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, I almost fear that the longer I wait to find a girl the less chance of one wanting to take me there is...

Too much time to think...that's what this is. I used to pride myself on inner reflection all the time and my observations, but you gotta live, you just got to get out there and live

I have trouble hanging out with just small groups of close friends, I love them, that's for sure, but there are so many places to go, so many people to meet, and I like meeting people for the most part, people seem to like me the most when they've just met me. The same goes for dating, when I'm in a relationship I realize that there are girls that would probably go out on a date with me, if i would grow up and ask...

I need to be back at school, I feel like an underachiever at home, it's hard being the black sleep instead of one of the gang

"It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you."
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button