I want to be a photographer

I want to major in Art with a studio emphasis and be a photographer

The question is will i do it....

I'm going to be here forever

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt...

"I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right"
-Bob Dylan "Don't think twice it's alright"

I don't know where to start this, I did try out for an improv troupe on campus, so that is something good. I had to see if I still had it, if college boy HP still related to the high school Travis. Good news is, I did pretty well, I got the call back for more auditions.

Everything else though. I was kind of got close to a girl last night, nothing too serious of course, I'm not like that, but I realized that I was just going through the motions, here too I realized that I wanted to see if I was the same person I was before. I just kept thinking that whole time that I was hanging out with her about my last relationship and how to leave early without being rude. The bright side is that I'm better than meaningless relationships that are there just to be there. I need to find a girl who is meaningful to me, otherwise I don't give a damn.

Finding a girl that is meaningful to me though I worry may be near impossible. I've spent almost a year now building up the girl from my last relationship to the point where there really is no one to replace her. Of course the girl in my mind is imaginary, the product of my brain picking out the best of my ex's traits and forgetting everything else.

I'm sorry, this blog is an unorganized mess, but that's my brain right now, it really is...

So I've really been dragging this week. Being sick will do that to a guy. First of all last weekend was ok but not the greatest. See, there was nothing technically wrong with it but I set my sights to high. I went out Friday night with a bunch of friends to the hill (the bars next to campus) Now I always have it in my head that I'm going to bump into some random girl and we will fall madly in love and live happily ever after, naturally this never happens. So my drunken self gets more and more withdrawn from the group until I just walk back to the dorm and fall asleep, feeling rejected.

Also she's in my dreams every night lately, it's really cutting into my sleeping time, I really think there needs to be a final meeting between the two of us, to get some finality out of things...

Some Poetry...

Some poetry.... This is some of the poetry that I've written over the year. It's not poetry in the rhyming sense but it's lines and thoughts. I hope you enjoy it, I write it to simplify some of the thoughts inside of me and get them out on paper. This first one I wrote for my mother... I am sorry that I hurt you I am sorry that I make you feel bad Do not take it as your fault That I am the way I am You do you best for me Everyday and in Everyway You have shown me love And guided me every step Of my two decades of life Now I’m supposed to Set out on my own Yet this big world Still frightens me so So do not take it as your fault That as I’m letting go Of your hand That I continue to fall Just knowing that you Will be there to help Me off of the ground Is help enough Someday I will learn How to approach this life And this world on my own But until I do so Thank you for picking me back up _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There is a dark and dusty corner of my mind That often I try to wander to in my thoughts The memories in that corner A year and a half’s worth But always I pull myself away For I know that while the memories are good They will only bring pain And so that corner sits One day I will let myself wander there And uncover all the memories Of love and of loss But not today Not today ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ “Promise me, Promise me that no matter what happens We will always be friends.” “Of course I promise,” I say smiling Gently taking her hand in mine On that cool October night How the world has changed I’ve watched her slip away from me To become only a shadow of what once was I made a promise As did she A promise for our friendship But here I am, I see her there She gives no sign of recognition Not even acknowledging I’m there And I think back to her words On that magical night two years ago And I can almost here her say “I promise” _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Please don’t look at me that way You don’t know me You have never spoken to me You judge me off of what she says about me Off of the things I may or may not have done The things that are in the past now Please don’t look at me that way Please just leave me alone Please don’t judge me. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I want to love again To feel so in harmony with another For long I was afraid of hurt Yet now I do not care I want to love again I need to love again Without it anger reigns over my soul Jealousy and the desire to see… To see other love fail as mine I need to love again I hope I can love again The agony twisted up inside A fear of trust and devotion Frighten to share my heart I hope I can love again Dear God I hope I can _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (This one I wrote is about an actual dream I had where in snow covered woods a priest lay dying. I wish I knew the meanings of dreams) There he lay A man of God Caught and maimed By war Life flowing away from his mortal flesh Though his eyes still are clear As he lay in the battle torn forest Whispering a prayer With the breath he has left The pain is nothing The man of god knows He is going to be with his father The last drops of life Leave him And his body relaxes on the ground A peaceful look on his face A look of joy